Oh, how simple the above sounds. But if you’re anything like me- or possibly even human, to be honest- then you will have experienced the wonders of what I like to call “mind-chatter”.
My mind usually begins to chatter at about 2am. And this can go on until 4am. And then continue, after one hour of proper sleep, from 5am to 6am- when I decide to get up. The majority of the time, there is nothing obviously stressful going on that should be making my mind decide it wants to sit down with a cuppa and gossip. In fact, this is usually when my mind decides it isn’t getting enough attention, and breaks down the door wielding PG Tips and Hob Nobs. The less my mind has to occupy it, the more mind vomit it produces.
Currently, I am revising for my last exam of the year. On Wednesday through Friday we have a 48hr exam for this particular module. In which we have to compose two essays each weighted equally- to be planned, written, edited, referenced, and handed in within 48hrs. About a week ago I accidently deleted the fourteen page document containing numerous secondary material to revise from and draw on for my essays. I haven’t flipped out yet. Either I am now enlightened, or emotionally numb. Either way, this is probably beneficial for anyone within a five mile radius. My flatmate’s reaction: I’ll put the kettle on.
Despite all of this, I am genuinely not stressed about my exam. I have always handled exams and essays fairly well. However, whilst we’re in the exam period, there are no lectures, no seminars, no study groups, and almost no one around- all of us that are still here are revising. Which means that my mind has a lot of twiddling its thumbs to do on some level, however much revision I am doing.
And so it turns to summer. Ah, summer. The time that I desperately attempt to find myself a job. And begrudgingly go home because I don’t have enough money to stay up here in Newcastle. And so this brings me to 2am on Sunday morning, and my mind rapidly moving into overdrive:
I don’t want to go home
there isn’t anything to do at home
I don’t have any money to do anything- all my leftover money is paying the overlap in my rents for second and third year
do I have enough for a gym membership at home?
I’m using my savings to pay for my accommodation during work experience
do I even have work experience
we haven’t sorted bills for next year
I don’t want to be the account holder
maybe we could take a bill each
Bill. I need to submit my creative portfolio idea this month
shit what is my portfolio idea?
Morrisons Costa Co-op Gym Post office Cleaner
I don’t want to waitress again
I wonder if I could get the bus to my job
you don’t have a job
what if I drove?
how am I going to learn to drive with no money
and on and on and on.
Truth be told, much as I love my family, when you’ve been living as an adult effectively for quite some time- it is hard to go back into a family environment for longer than a month or so.
But thinking about all of this didn’t help me at all, it being 2am on a Sunday morning. And so, by 8am I had decided on this week’s Quotespirational. And this week I am going to try and deal with my mind-chatter.
I may not be able to silence it, but I can listen to it, and then put it to one side. I actually find that writing it out in a journal is a great way of releasing all of this mind vomit. I can then look at it, and divide it into do-able tasks. So, for example, I will send an email about my work experience organising the particulars. Once my exam is finished, I shall send out numerous CVs. I shall review my personal accounts and work out how much money I have- and which of my organs I can sell. More immediately, I will talk over my third year proposal, and fill in the relevant forms. I will discuss bills with my house mates. And being bored in summer? I have a summer bucket list, which I shall ensure has non-money-requiring things on it- and besides, there is no point worrying over what I can’t control.
Basically, this week, I’ll attempt to stop overthinking things- and I hope you guys are going to join me…