10 Probable Reasons I’m Still Single

Whenever I head home from university I always get asked the same question. This question may vary in form, but it all boils down to the same thing: when are you going to get a boyfriend? Sometimes it comes in the form of  So are there any boys in Newcastle? (yes, yes of course there are males of the species in Newcastle, many of them). Sometimes So, have you met anyone you like in Newcastle? (yes, yes I have. I’ve met many other humans I share common interests with). Sometimes its an outright What?! You still haven’t got a boyfriend yet? (No, no I haven’t. It means I get to double dip my spoon into my personal peanut butter so I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing?).
I sat down and decided to give the topic a bit of mulling over. Far from being completely past marriageable age, I decided that the top ten reasons no one has thought about putting a ring on it are these:
  1. I malt permanently; there is hair all over our flat. I would insert the picture I took from when I had to clean the carpet in the living room, but it grossed my flatmate out so much when I sent it to her that I deleted it. Even though some of it was hers.
  2. I steal male shower gel from my brother and dad, and so a bf would just be another source of free shower gel.
  3. I leave exfoliator (and hair) in the bath for when the next person runs a bath and doesn’t check that I haven’t cleaned it beforehand.  But at least my skin is silky smooth.
  4. Sometimes I decide a one woman pile-on is appropriate.
  5. I take up a LOT of fridge and cupboard space. Other girls have loads of shoes, I have loads of nut butter.
  6. If I’m working then you will at some point come home to a nest of books, paper, and food wrappers– with me possibly is a state of anxious contemplation as to where my life is going in the middle.
  7. I leave chia seeds in the sink, and they look like bugs. This has terrified my flatmates on numerous occasions.
  8. In a morning I can’t see anything until I put my glasses on. Which means a lot of swearing, stubbed toes, and once a burnt hand when I tried to make a cup of tea. Not recognising who you’re lying next to is not conducive to morning cuddles.
  9. I’m the friend who steers drunk friends away from guys. Yep, I am the designated cock-blocker (see Urban Dictionary: Cockblocker: 1. (noun) a female friend who accompanies another female friend to planned meetings with a male peer, to ensure that the sista does not get into trouble) and hair-holder-backer, hence I never pull in clubs.
  10. Any guy would have to compete with numerous fictional characters from books and TV series, and I’m sorry, but Gendry Baratheon, John Snow, and Mr Darcy have set the bar pretty damn high.

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