Advice I’ve Never Followed…

‘You’re too young to pluck your eyebrows yourself’
I wish I had listened to this, because for a few months of my 13 year old life, I actually had the Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging situation going on there. In case you’re wondering, no I did not achieve this by taking a razor blade to my eyebrow. Yes, I did try that on a separate occasion.

‘Store for up to 3 days’
Pffft. Hummus and yoghurt lasts way longer than that, right?

‘Store in an airtight container’
 I doubt any of the tubs I own are actually still airtight. They are that well loved.
‘Never eat after 8pm’
If I get hungry after 8pm, then I could probably eat a small European country. I usually settle for shredded wheat with hot milk though.
‘Microwave for 5 minutes’
Yeah, right. I like to be able to eat my soup, not just sit and stare at it for another five minutes until it cools down.
‘Leave to stand for 1 minute’ 
 I wish I listened to this advice. I wish I had listened to it precisely 30 seconds after I ignore it. Repeatedly.
‘Don’t go outside with wet hair’
I have walked back from the gym with wet hair, when it was snowing. I thawed out soon enough once I got into my flat ,and burnt my mouth on soup.
‘Four people won’t fit in there’
 Says someone every time we forget five people won’t fit in your average taxi. We usually manage. Just.
‘Emily, don’t touch that’
 Says someone literally two minutes before I touch whatever hot/delicate thing it was.
‘Don’t blow dry your hair upside down’.
Okay, this is actually a great one to ignore, because it means you get lots of volume. Even if I do look like someone sent 3000 volts through me for a little while.
‘Are you sure you want it extra hot?’
 Sometimes, people try to mask advice in the guise of a question. This is something you become wise to. Yes, I am sure I want it extra bloody hot, thank you Mr Nando’s Man.
‘Don’t add any more chilli to that’
Says whichever family member is in the kitchen during the making process of whatever dish I am making for family consumption, and not just my own.
‘I wouldn’t get a large before the lecture’
 Actually, yes, I will never buy a venti cappuccino before a 2 hour lecture again.

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